Working on a Dream




Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Healthy Relationship Advice

Below is an excerpt from the book Flow, by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. 

Every relationship requires a reorienting of goals.
Think about it,  when two people meet and start dating, they must accept certain constraints that each person alone did not have. 
-Schedules will be realigned.
-Plans will be adapted.
-Morphing of new ideas will take place. 
When two people choose to focus their attention on each other, both will have to change their habits; as a result, the pattern of their lives will have to change. 
Getting married requires a radical and permanent reorientation of habits.
Taken a step further, when a child is added to the mix, both parents (presumably at this point in their relationship, have pretty much the same life goals and worked out the above concept) have to re adapt again to accommodate the needs of the infant. 

-Their sleep cycle changes.
-They go out less often.
-The wife may give up her job.

-Let's get real practical for a moment- 

Before you are in a relationship, you are single.
You basically are responsible for you.
As a bachelor, surely you have many goals and plans that are thrilling.
However, when you enter into a relationship with another person, your goals will have to be rethought. 
And when I say rethought, that means sitting together with your significant other and hashing things out.

Let's use the example of Phil.
As a bachelor, Phil may have on his list of priorities to become a high-flying trapeze artist.  Later, Phil meets Katie and then decides to get married.  A couple years later they have a child together. 
Although Phil's heart is filled with high flying spirits, he will have to rethink his prior goals in the light of his new family.  If he does not, you can rest assure that there will be conflict in his relationship as his wife will (generally speaking) not be happy with Phil inches from death on a nightly basis.

What does this mean?

So many people approach relationships like they are the center of the universe. 
Many maintain that they can and will act just like when they were single.
This is why so many relationships fail.
The reality is when you enter into a relationship, a part of you must die.
I know that last statement sounds harsh. However, for you to be humble enough to consider your mate and value them, you must be ready to give up something of your own.  And many times, that will hurt.  But this, I think, is the meaning of true love.  
True love seeks the good of the other person, not just yourself.   

This is why so many marriages lasted in the old days. 
They understood this principle; worked it out, fought it out and continued to grow together. 
And do you know what? 
By living that way they learned the deepest lessons that love could teach. 

I wonder what your thoughts are?
-Do you agree that you should consider your significant other?
-Do you think that you should give up a dream of yours, even if it goes against the grain of your family?


Jayne Kopp said...

Hi Anthony, I did a post on the value of relationships a while back.

The thing is, in a relationship there has to be comprimise and communication. If both parties are not willing to work at these two important factors then in my opinion... and from experience you're doomed.

A healthy relationship means both parties are willing to work together and accomodate the needs of one and other.

I was listening to a talk a while back that is affiliated with the business opportunity I have enjoyed for the last half decade... and the speaker said that if a relationship was compared to financial abundance... a healthy relationship is worth the equivalent of $115,000.00 pay raise. An unhealthy relationship is like getting a hit for $250,000.00

It's all got to do with alignment of goals and working toward the better good of each other.

Great read.


Ann Mullen said...

I agree that people have to work on relationships for them to survive. I worked on one for 35 years before I gave up on it. It does take two people working on it and at various times one or the other of us didn't do the work. Sometimes I wonder if I should have just stuck it out. Thanks for your advice. Maybe there will be others who can make it work.